Fifty Years After Breaking Dawn Complete
by Pugsgirl4
Summary: Nazis, coconut string, and squirrel carcasses. What more could you ask for in a Twilight fan ficiton?


Fifty years later, and Edward is STILL nibbling on Bella's ear. In the other room, Carlisle is operating on squirrels, his new obsession. Out in the kitchen, Esme and Aro of the Volturi are cooking steamed asparagus, one of the sexiest, most romantic, and mood setting dishes known to vampire…and dolphin. Aro giggled as Esme bit his neck playfully. "Let's have a HANDS ON activity!" He bellowed and dropped the spoon into the boiling cauldron of orange juice and snake venom, obviously deeply seduced. Turning around, a feral glint in his eye, as he tackled Esme onto the counter.

***** This section of the story has been censored out to insure the purity of our readers.

Carlisle pranced onto the scene as Esme buttoned up her sweater. He exclaimed playfully, "Oh, you two kids!" then returned to his squirrel carcasses.

Back in the lair of lovers, Edward and Bella are still nibbling away at each other's cartilage.

Alice and Jasper were gallivanting in the mountains with Maria, singing to the hills. Caught off guard, the trio was too engrossed in the bubbling brook to notice the battle cry of the notorious Nazis! Several of these large men jumped out from behind a fig tree, with Jesus who was frightened and retreated to Heaven. Using a lasso, the largest and least attractive Nazi captured Maria in his overgrown clutches, holding her affectionately. "NO!" screeched Jasper, as he had a secret crush on Maria. Even as an old woman, she was dainty and graceful. He raced after the German beasts, but not even he was fast enough to ketchup to them on their mules.

(One large man ended up crushing and smashing his mule beneath him, due to his weight. He was eventually eaten alive by Moses and his followers in the Red Sea.)

Jasper was determined. This was his time to shine (other than daylight hours. Cue the heroic music).

Back at the Cullen home, hidden away under a staircase, Emmett grappled with his pet dragon. He was afraid to tell Rosalie, for she was a little PMS-y lately. Wishing for a child, her main goal was to talk Emmett into letting them adopt a Japanese youth. They would take their child to Washington D.C, because Rosalie had recently become the chief of the Agricultural Society of The United States. Lately, she had been too caught up writing a thesis on protection of their nation's apple market to notice Emmett and his newfound fascination.

Now, I'm sure you've all been wondering about the diminutive mutt girl, the newest addition to the Cullen Klan. She and her boyfriend (who was also in love with her mother…and still is), Jacob, also known as Crouching Eagle (that is his Native American name), prowled the ocean together as ferocious lovers. They were searching for the unknown oasis of the mermaids, hoping to prove that they were in fact not idiotic.

But when they finally found this oasis, off the coast of Africa (where many traces of an extinct tribe of African vampires was found) they created a seaweed industry. As corporate America ruled their new society…

You know what? Never mind. I don't know where we're going with this,

Checking back in on Bella and Edward, they are, of course, still nibbling.

Charlie and Sue Swan are still kicking, surprisingly. Charlie's moustache is incredibly luscious for a man of his age. Although liver spots cover his face, Sue still finds him very attractive and sexy. At the elderly age of 94 ¾.4673905 NO SOULUTION, the tender duo set off to the neighborhood hot spot for the almost deceased- the synagogue. They prayed for their smooth subtraction from this earth, and the release of Chingchowchochung Schmiulee from the big house. The dinosaur skinned woman had assassinated the president Barack Nobamination but escaped from the authorities. Charlie and Sue waited at the place worship for her homecoming. She would arrive by wooden raft, tied together by coconut string (usually used to tie parcels of soap) There was a moat around the synagogue to protect the Jews from the Nazis. It was connected to the Panama Canal. In hopes of superfluous fortification, the moat was filled to the brim with deadly jellyfish (that is all the Jews could afford, due to the lack of endowment in the donation box. This is probably because of the large moat in between society and the synagogue. Sadly the funding committee does not realize this.). Despite the Jew's religious restrictions, on a regular basis, they would dine on foie gras and fine Champaign.

After an intense conversation with Buddha (this is a mixed belief synagogue), Charlie was talked into joining the Werewolf Commission Committee. He and his aficionado slowly made their way down the dirt path with their walkers and extreme amount of gunpowder. They safely made their way to the meeting, with a trail of disaster behind them.

Sam called the meeting to order. As soon as the word 'werewolf' poured out of his mouth, Charlie's heart immediately froze.

He fell over.

Grasping at his chest, he died.

(Good thing he had a talk with Buddha today. He almost rescheduled it.)

Jasper scaled the Great Wall of China, until he realized Nazis were in Germany, where he had just been. He had left Germany after he saw a large sign advertising wiener schnitzel. Reminiscing about his beloved grandma Helga, and her devotion to German tradition, His eyes misted over with the shadow of tears. He scurried to the airport to extract himself from this sentimental country. And now here he is, in the completely wrong place, while current girlfriend is still singing to the hills. Pobre Alice. Then he returned to the land of schnitzeled wiener to resuscitate his devotee.

Let's just get back to Bella and Edward for a moment of bliss. Oh, still nibbling. Do they ever get bored of that?

Alice sighed, "Ah, life!" as she laid back into the lush grass and petunias of the Alps. She mused over her former enthusiast, Captain Von Trapp and his seven little shits. After their wedding, she was informed that she had to teach the children singing and make them clothes out of drapes. She then filed for a divorce.

After the final box of shoes was packed and in Emmett's waiting arms, Rosalie and her monkey man set off for the nation's capital. Rosalie, carrying her new environmentally friendly purse made from apple skins, lit her cigarette and strutted to the White House, where she was shot down for stepping upon the flower bed. Obama had specifically asked for daylilies of eight inch height. He loved them with a passion and wanted to have Rosalie hanged and beaten for her crime, until he saw her.

Obama was officially in love with Rosalie, the white chick vampire.

As we learned in To Kill a Mockingbird, this is inordinately wrong.

Rosalie was then added to the list of mockingbirds, along with Boo Radley, Tom Robinson, and Mayella Ewell. (Refer to Ms. Mess for further information. If you are a random fanficiton reader, disregard this sentence. Thank you for your time.)

God then sent a flood to destroy everything.


End file.
